Should you’d requested me just a few years in the past what I stored on the highest shelf of my walk-in closet, I’d have stated previous purses, picture albums or possibly Christmas decorations. I by no means would have stated boobs.
But there they’re.
Twenty, give or take.
All lined up in neat little pink zippered instances, each nestled lovingly in its personal material hammock, prefer it’s headed to summer season camp as a substitute of storage. They’re silicone breast prostheses — completely formed, softly weighted, remarkably real looking. And they’re not in use.
Most cancers modifications many issues in your life, however one of many strangest is how casually you possibly can find yourself speaking about physique elements that used to really feel intensely personal.
This afternoon, I walked into my closet in search of a sweater. As a substitute, I discovered myself gazing that prime shelf. And that’s when the strangest Christmas concept drifted into my head.
What if I gave these away as items?
I stood there holding a sweater in a single hand and considering these 20 spare breasts up on the shelf, and the absurdity struck me . I laughed so all of a sudden and so exhausting I needed to sit down on the little ottoman I maintain by my sneakers. Most cancers has taken lots from me, however apparently, it has not taken my skill to assume fully ridiculous ideas at inconvenient instances.
Now, let me be clear. I’m not really planning handy out prosthetic breasts at Christmas like stocking stuffers. Breast most cancers is critical enterprise. Life-altering. Life-ending for a lot too many. However typically, in the midst of all of the heaviness, an surprising thought comes alongside and reminds you that you’re nonetheless allowed to snicker. Even in regards to the elements that harm.
And as soon as the thought landed in my mind, the photographs adopted.
Would my associates freak out in horror?
Would somebody quietly slip it right into a drawer and by no means communicate of it once more?
Would one curious soul maintain it as much as the sunshine like a museum artifact and say, “Effectively… I’ll be.”
After which there have been the fellows.
I might instantly image one of many fellas on my listing tossing it like a baseball. Another person may attempt to bounce it. And sure, in my creativeness, a minimum of considered one of them completely utilizing it in a sport of cornhole.
That’s the factor about Southern creativeness, it doesn’t whisper, it hollers.
My household wouldn’t be shocked. They’ve been with me by prognosis, surgical procedure, scars, docs, drains, worry, therapeutic and every little thing in between. They know my physique has been altered by survival. They might obtain a prosthesis with tenderness, possibly even reverence. Not as a result of it’s silicone, however due to what it represents: what was misplaced and what was endured.
However associates? That’s one other story.
I’ve accomplished my finest to maintain my breastlessness a non-public matter. Not out of disgrace, goodness no, however out of selection. Some individuals know as a result of I informed them. Some know as a result of they’ve learn my writings. And a few in all probability have inwardly puzzled after which politely minded their enterprise, which is a Southern love language if ever there was one.
So, my creativeness bought busy.
One good friend, bless her coronary heart, would instantly cry and hug me till we have been each sniffling and my mascara had surrendered fully.
One other would ask questions. Sensible questions. “Does it really feel heavy?” “Is it scorching beneath there?” “Are you able to sleep in your abdomen?” (No, No, I can’t.)
Another person would strategy it like an anthropological examine. “Fascinating,” she’d say, gently poking it as if it would all of a sudden breathe.
After which there’s that good friend. You recognize the one. The one who laughs first and thinks later. The one who would slip it in her bra for precisely three seconds simply to say she did after which shriek herself into subsequent week.
Most cancers does that to friendships. It rearranges them. Some get deeper. Some develop quieter. Some don’t survive the pressure. However the ones that keep, they learn to maintain each the sacred and the absurd on the identical time.
The reality is, these prostheses on my shelf are usually not celebration favors. They have been companions for some time. They helped me step again into the world once I felt lopsided in additional methods than one. They helped my garments cling proper. They helped strangers not stare. They helped me really feel balanced when every little thing inside felt prefer it had tipped over.
They carried weight, in additional methods than one.
Now, they relaxation of their pink instances, unused however not unimportant. I maintain them as a result of I don’t fairly know what the proper ending is for them but. You throw away previous sneakers. You donate previous coats. However you don’t casually discard one thing that when helped you are feeling entire once more.
And that’s the place the humor sneaks in, soft-footed, not loud. As a result of when you don’t snicker every now and then, the seriousness will crush you flat as a pancake.
Most cancers is scans and scars and blood work and ready rooms. It’s terror and bravado and grief and grit. However it is usually standing in your closet with a sweater in your hand, laughing on the concept of gifting boobs for Christmas, and realizing you’re nonetheless alive sufficient to seek out that humorous.
Generally survival seems to be like energy.
Generally it seems to be like tears.
And typically it seems to be like inappropriate laughter at a shelf stuffed with flesh-colored prostheses.
If I’ve discovered something, it’s this: Pleasure and sorrow are usually not opposites. They trip in the identical truck. They sit on the identical sofa. They each present up uninvited and make themselves at house.
I can’t be wrapping up silicone breasts with bows this December. However I can be wrapping up gratitude, and cussed hope, and the form of pleasure that exhibits up sideways once you least anticipate it.
And each time I attain for a sweater and look up at that shelf, I’ll in all probability smile.
As a result of that shelf holds proof that I misplaced one thing valuable.
And that I lived.
This piece displays the writer’s private expertise and perspective. For medical recommendation, please seek the advice of your well being care supplier.
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