After greater than a decade of appointments, scans and whispered prayers in hospital hallways, I’m getting ready for one thing I as soon as solely dreamed about, my closing go to to the most cancers remedy middle. What I didn’t count on was how emotional, sophisticated and deeply religious this goodbye would really feel.
Subsequent week, I’ll stroll via these acquainted glass doorways for what’s going to seemingly be the final time.
I’ve been strolling into that constructing for 11 years.
Eleven years of appointment playing cards tucked into my purse. Eleven years of bloodwork, scans and lengthy waits in vinyl chairs below fluorescent lights. Eleven years of holding my breath till somebody in scrubs smiled and stated the phrases, “Every part seems good.”
One way or the other, a spot I by no means wished to go to turned acquainted. Nearly protected.
I do know precisely the place to park. I do know which entrance is quickest. I understand how the elevator sounds when it dings on my ground. I even acknowledge the scent of the hallway, a combination of antiseptic, espresso and one thing uniquely “hospital.”
For greater than a decade, this place has been my lifeline.
It’s the place I cried.
The place I prayed.
The place I discovered to belief God in methods I by no means had earlier than.
So why does strolling away really feel so sophisticated?
At my appointment final yr, my supplier casually talked about, “Subsequent time we see you, we’ll transfer you into the survivorship program.”
Survivorship.
The phrase caught me off guard.
I bear in mind considering, “Haven’t I already survived?”
Most sufferers with breast most cancers are thought-about in remission at 5 years. My scans have been clear. My bloodwork has proven no proof of illness for a very long time. But right here I used to be, nonetheless tethered to oncology, nonetheless returning yr after yr.
A part of me puzzled in the event that they had been staying on guard, looking forward to most cancers to sneak again up on me.
But when I’m trustworthy, I used to be the one nonetheless on guard.
Most cancers might go away your physique, nevertheless it lingers in your thoughts.
For years, each ache made me nervous. Each headache, each sore muscle, each unfamiliar twinge despatched my ideas racing.
Is it again? Lord, please, not once more.
It’s a horrible option to reside, continually bracing for dangerous information. It steals pleasure from completely wholesome days. It retains you from absolutely resting.
Studying to belief my physique once more took time. Studying to belief God with my future took even longer.
There have been nights I lay awake bargaining with Him. Mornings I opened my Bible with trembling fingers. Days when the one prayer I may handle was, “Lord, simply assist me make it via at present.”
And He did.
Again and again, He did.
Now right here I’m, lastly standing on the fringe of what looks like freedom, and as a substitute of pure celebration, I really feel one thing extra sophisticated.
Pleasure, sure.
But additionally, tenderness. Hesitation. Even just a little grief.
As a result of this final go to looks like greater than an appointment.
It looks like a goodbye to a chapter the place God met me in a number of the deepest valleys of my life.
Once I stroll down that lengthy hallway subsequent week, I’ll move the ready room full of individuals nonetheless within the thick of their battle. I’ll see drained eyes, headscarves, nervous spouses holding fingers.
I bear in mind being certainly one of them.
So, a part of me wonders, how do I stroll in as a survivor with out seeming insensitive? How do I smile with out feeling like I’m celebrating one thing others are nonetheless praying for?
I need to maintain my head excessive with an “I beat most cancers” smile.
However I don’t need my pleasure to really feel like another person’s heartbreak.
That’s the unusual factor about survivorship. It comes wrapped in gratitude and typically a contact of survivor’s guilt.
Is it OK to really feel overjoyed when the nurse practitioner says, “You’re doing nice, we’re shifting you into survivorship now”?
After every little thing I’ve endured, is it OK to have fun?
I believe it’s.
Not proudly. Not loudly.
However gratefully.
As a result of hope walks these hallways too.
Possibly somebody sitting there’ll lookup, see a girl 11 years out, wholesome, regular, smiling, and suppose, “If God did it for her, perhaps He’ll do it for me too.”
Possibly my quiet pleasure could possibly be another person’s encouragement.
From what I perceive, a survivorship program isn’t a dismissal or a “get out of jail free” card. It’s merely a transition. Fewer oncology visits. Extra routine care. A protracted-term wellness plan. A delicate shift from fixed monitoring to intentional dwelling.
It’s the medical world’s means of claiming, “Go reside your life.”
And perhaps it’s God’s means of claiming the identical factor.
For 11 years, most cancers has helped set my calendar.
Now it doesn’t get to anymore.
There’s one thing fantastically releasing about that, and one thing scary, too. Like taking the coaching wheels off after you’ve grown used to their help.
However perhaps this isn’t an ending in any respect.
Possibly it’s a commencement.
I can’t assist however smile on the thought that in spite of everything this time, there received’t be a trophy ready for me. No badge. No certificates of accomplishment.
Only a easy sentence: “You’re doing nice.”
And truthfully? That’s sufficient.
As a result of a wholesome, strange, fantastically boring life is the best present I may obtain.
So subsequent week, I’ll stroll in quietly. I’ll register. I’ll roll up my sleeve for bloodwork. I’ll sit in that ready room with compassion and prayer for these nonetheless combating.
And after they inform me it’s time to maneuver ahead, I’ll smile.
Not as a result of I escaped one thing others didn’t.
However as a result of God carried me via each single step.
As I stroll out these doorways one final time, I received’t simply be leaving a remedy middle — I’ll be entering into a brand new season of belief. The identical God who held me via analysis, remedy and worry will stroll beside me in freedom too, and that assurance is the best survivorship of all.
This piece displays the creator’s private expertise and perspective. For medical recommendation, please seek the advice of your well being care supplier.
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